PARANAQUE CITY, Philippines (UCAN) -- Lourdes "Nini" Veloso, a Catholic mother, lost her only child, Janina Marie, last year when the girl died during treatment for a congenital brain condition. Janina was 13.

Her daughter's death shocked and puzzled Veloso, who wondered what God was planning for her family. In a commentary sent to UCA News at the start of Advent, Veloso reflects on how her family and friends, and her surrender to God's will, kept hope alive for her and her husband, Junie, who works for the Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation.

Veloso, a parent leader at Woodrose School in Muntinlupa City before Janina's death, also co-organized a mothers' club in Merville Subdivision, where she lives, in Paranaque City, south of Manila.

She and a group of neighborhood mothers, inspired by the spirituality of Saint Jose Maria Escriva, organized the club. Their children also organized a teen club that gathered for out-of-school activities. However, Veloso withdrew from these activities for some time after Janina died.

In her commentary, she expresses appreciation for neighbors and friends who drew her out of her grief and encouraged her to co-organize outreach activities among 60 students of Kalayaan Elementary School near their subdivision.

Veloso acknowledges that she too has benefited from the outreach, which helped focus on the needs of others rather than her own grief. This Advent, which encompasses the four Sundays before Christmas, she is preparing with her club a pre-Christmas get-together with the children and their families on Dec. 8, feast of the Immaculate Conception.

In the following commentary, Veloso reflects on why Christmas for her and Junie remains a time for thanksgiving and hope.

It was very hard to understand. It was never part of what I thought our future would be like. Ours was a beautiful story, when God gifted us with a beautiful daughter in the person of Janina Marie. From the day she came to our lives, she brought so much joy and sunshine. She was happy; she was active; she was full of love. She grew up excited about life and never stopped discovering the world. From her baby years up to the last day of her life, she was a gift. Even when we quarreled as typical moms and kids did, we would always end up professing our love. Yes, each day was never done without our "I love you's."

I loved her so much. She was more than a daughter. She was my alter ego, my little sister, my playmate, my friend, my "twin star." I was a full-time mom wanting her to grow up "as God meant her to be." I tried to give her the best, and with the help of her great dad we did. She was always part of our plans. She made up most of our dreams. We taught her how to love and be the best friend she can be. We were so proud of her. She was endearing to both family and friends. She was an achiever who was so passionate especially with the arts. There was never a dull moment with Janina. She was an intelligent talker with a well-rounded personality who would simply color your day, figuratively and literally.

When the AV (arteriovenous) malformation was found in her brain and we discovered it to be congenital, we braced ourselves so that we would be able to hurdle this trial. We discovered it early. God was so good that it did not bleed prematurely and there was no terrible pain. There was a cure, and we were in very good hands. She needed three embolizations, a non-invasive procedure that would not entail open surgery. I had so much hope. Her first one went on so smoothly, we were so grateful. But we were stunned when a surgical accident occurred on the second embolization.

The days were dark as I watched her in deep sleep. Junie and I only held hands and watched quietly. There was disbelief and shock. She had prepared her favorite DVDs for after the ICU (intensive care unit) stay and ordered me to buy her chips. We had her school stuff prepared because she wouldn't want to miss her first day in school, as she was so excited to be in seventh grade. But what was happening? She lay there, still and quiet, with a steady line of loved ones praying over her. There were so many loving souls surrounding us, giving us strength. But the darkness prevailed. I wondered where the Lord was, why was this happening?

When we were told that chances were nil, all I remember was weeping with my mom and tightly embracing Junie, whom, for the first time in my over 20 years of knowing him, I saw cry. How could we lose our baby now? I held him tight and all I asked him as we prayed during those long nights of hoping was let us tell our Lord, "Thy will be done, thy will be done." In a few days, after a deep coma, my sweet child died very peacefully. In a short while, my beautiful baby bade us farewell, on June 15, 2006, at 13 years old.

The pain in my heart was piercing. It hurt all over. But I had to be strong, especially for my loved ones, especially for Junie. I was lost and afraid. The Lord had asked me for "my life."

They thought I was strong, but it was all grace standing there in the midst of all the people, all the songs, all the flowers, all the prayers. When I saw her lifeless, I knew I had died as well. When I saw her being laid to rest, I was buried beside her. Gone were the colors of my rainbow. My smile was there, but my heart was crying. Over and over, I hurt. All I had to grasp was my faith. I knew that of all times, this was the time our Lord was asking me to prove my love. I knew then that I had to. I had to hope; I had to cling on to our Lord's promises. I had to keep on going, remembering not to be afraid, that everything works for the good for those who love Him.

It has been a long year and a half since my new journey began. Junie and I are "ex-parents" now. Lately I have begun seeing friends and places I used to shun because it hurt too much.

I was very active as a parent leader in Woodrose School, and part of the organizing committee of a mother's club and teen club in Merville Subdivision. Our mother's club offers monthly sessions on cooking and other areas of interest for mothers to help them manage family life better. The teen club was aimed to give teens wholesome activities outside school and build friendships within the community among young girls. My daughter was an active member.

After the loss of my child, with the help of friends, especially from our neighborhood, we began the outreach for poor kids in Kalayaan elementary school, which is near our subdivision.

This Dec. 8, we will have our Christmas party, at which we will give gift packs to our young wards and their families. The school identified the 60 kids we deal with, who are the beneficiaries of our daily breakfast and snack packs, and more recently our values formation classes. I personally give these classes to the children and my mother, Nati, gives the classes to their parents. We are assisted by volunteers from our mothers' club.

A short livelihood session is also given after every class by a teacher from the school. Next year we will revive our teen club, from which I plan to get more volunteers who will assist me in the classes for the kids.

The outreach was a stepping stone for me to heal as I went outside myself and saw the plight of the poor kids more clearly. Now I see my child in all of them, and wish I could help them even in a little way. It also helps me to count my blessings more, as these little souls have even more trials in their hands than some of us do.

Our family sings again, laughs again, hopes again. I feel my heart is throbbing, maybe not on my terms, but on His terms. I have decided to move on with complete surrender to what our Lord wants me to be, and wants me to do.

I realized the colors are snuffed out in our lives by trials and hurts. No matter how much you plan, you dream, you do, your ways are not His. It begins with acceptance of the reality that God's will, no matter what, is what is best for us. It is the willingness to take the walk on His path, a path strewn with valuable lessons and blessings.

It is not easy because it is not what I wanted, but I know that God loves me as He loves Janina. I look inside my heart and find a great love of a mother for a child. So how can I question our Father's love for me?

For Him, I decided, I shall be hopeful, and for Him I shall be happy again. My gift is to bring hope, perhaps that is why He gave me a gift of joy. I imparted it to Janina and her memory will forever be joyful.

But now, in complete surrender, I have learned that when we stop painting rainbows, God takes our hand and guides it to paint with His hand.

I do not know how to do it, but I know He is slowly helping me. I fall many times and cry in loneliness, but He lifts me up with gifts from all over -- Junie, our loved ones, our friends, even butterflies. He never left me alone. He shows me Janina in His arms, and embraced by our beautiful Mother Mary, the best mom there ever could be.

He has taught me, through the loving angels in my life, through the teachings in my vocation, through this sad experience. I know all these enrich me. It is just up to me to choose each day what direction to take. I think I choose to follow the rainbow, a rainbow that is colored by His hands.

END

(Accompanying photos available at here)