In the parable of the Lost Son, the elder son was not in a position to establish relationship with his younger brother. And he refuses to take part in the celebration. Hence the father seems to say to the elder son, "If you don't establish a loving relationship with your prodigal brother, then how can you call me your father." Broken relationship with the brother means broken relationship with the father.

In our relationship with our priest, if bishops do not accept our prodigal priests, the unfaithful priests, the weak, and the sinful priests, the wounded priests, the problematic priests, how can we establish relationship with our Heavenly Father. It becomes necessary to establish relationship with the prodigal priest in order to establish relationships with the Heavenly Father. A broken relationship with priest leads to a broken relationship with the Heavenly Father.

In the parable of the Lost Sheep, the good shepherd leaves the 99 sheep and runs after the one sheep that was lost. The good shepherd dedicates himself to the task of seeking the lost sheep, because the lost sheep is worth seeking for, living for and dying for. The psalm 23 "The Lord is my shepherd" fittingly brings out the relationship between the shepherd and the sheep.

The shepherd knows his sheep so well, that he can call them by name. He loves his sheep and takes care of the needs of the sheep. He gives new strength to the sheep. He guides them in the right paths. He is always with the sheep, even at the dark hours. He makes them to lie down in green pastures. He leads them near restful waters. He has special love towards the weak sheep, weary sheep, tired sheep, etc. The shepherd is willing to give his life for his sheep. The sheep also know the voice of the shepherd. The sheep will not follow any other shepherd. The sheep have no fear because the shepherd is with them always. This is the type of relationship we notice between the shepherd and the sheep.

Through this shepherd - sheep relationship God invites us to have the same type of relationship with our priests and people. Through the parable of the lost son and the lost sheep, Jesus teaches us the kind of relationship we bishops should have with our priests and people.

IV. Things to be noted in Bishop-Priest Relationships

1) Listen to the verbal and non-verbal languages of priests

Bishops can communicate their caring for priests through verbal and non - verbal languages. In relationship people communicate both verbally and non-verbally. Both are important for relationship. Hence we have to listen to both verbal and non-verbal languages. Spoken languages alone will not give us the full meaning of what a person says. Non-verbal language can confirm or deny the message carried by the spoken language. Non-verbal languages such as gesture, posture, tone of voice, touch and facial expressions can be used in our relationship.

In relationship:

Listen to the feeling of the priest.

Listen to what they say and the manner in which it is said.

Listen to the content and also to the feeling.

Listen to what comes from the head and what comes from the heart.

Since listening is characterized by both verbal and non-verbal messages of the other person, in our relationships we not only listen with our ears but also with our eyes, and with a sense of touch. We not only listen to the words of the priest, but also the messages that are buried in the words. We listen to what is being said, what is not being said, what is only hinted at, what is being held back and what lies beneath or beyond the surface. We should listen to both verbal messages and non-verbal behavior. We should listen to the whole person.

2) Notice to the needs of priests

We should listen to the physical, psychological and spiritual needs of our priests. Satisfaction of these hungers or needs is very important for the well being of a person. When these needs are satisfied the person feels healthy and experiences creative energy in him. When these needs are postponed, a person becomes dominated by the same need and becomes sick, and may even die. Non - satisfaction of needs may lead a person to go into isolation and loneliness. In caring for priests we should specially notice not only the spiritual and physical needs of our priests but also the psychological needs of our priests.

At the final judgment when God says, "When I was hungry you gave me food ..." (Mt. 25: 31-46), He is not merely talking about the physical hungers but also the psychological hungers of love, understanding, accepting, caring etc. There are priests who are hungry for love, because they feel that they don't have any friends to love them. There are priests who are thirsty for understanding because they feel that no one listens to them. There are priests who feel naked because they are not being accepted by other priests in the presbyterium. There are priests who feel locked up in a prison because of the want of care. When these priests are listened to by the bishop they feel loved, accepted and understood and experience creative energy in themselves. It helps them to grow as persons.

3) Notice the good qualities in priests

Very often we bishops find it easy to notice the weaknesses and bad behavior in our priests, and fail to notice the good qualities in them. We even think that a priest will change when we point out his weaknesses. Always pointing out the negatives in priests will not bring about permanent change in them. Rather it makes them feel bad and it breaks the relationship. By noticing good qualities in others, we express our love and care for our priests. Pointing out good qualities in them stimulates positive feelings in them. It helps them to have a good self-image. Genuine praise, expression of love and care, appreciation of their actions are essential for their self-worth, and growth.

4) Notice the person rather than behavior

In our relationship very often we confuse behavior with the person. We judge others by their behavior and actions. It may sound reasonable to judge a person by his behavior, actions, successes, accomplishments, performances etc. But we should know that behavior is different from person.

"Me" is different from "My" behavior. Sometimes my behavior may not be good, but as a person I am always good. What makes me a good person is not my behavior but my Being. What makes me good is that I am created in the image of God and I am a child of God. I as a person am a gift from God. I cannot say that your whole Being is bad because there is one bad behavior. Jesus never equated the person with behavior. Jesus never liked the behavior of Pharisees and Scribes, the people who were buying and selling in the temple, adulterous woman, etc., but Jesus loved these people. Thus Jesus made a distinction between persons and behavior.

When the Pharisees brought the adulterous woman they saw nothing but the behavior of adultery. They could not see the beautiful person of Mary. They could not see the circumstances that led her to commit this sin. They reduced the whole person to a behavior of adultery. They negated God in her. But Jesus saw her as a real person. Thus Jesus does not equate behavior with persons. Mary's behavior is bad but Mary as a person is good. Adultery is bad but the adulterous woman is good. Sins are bad but sinners are good. For Jesus the person is valued for himself/herself, independent of the person's social and religious standing. The person is valued for what he is and not for what he has done. He valued people for Being and not for Doing.

All persons are basically good and lovable along with their weaknesses and limitations. When we go beyond external behavior and appearances, we will discover the beautiful nature of the person, the beautiful gift of God.

Hence let us notice the person rather than the behavior. Let us go beyond external behavior and appearances. In a gift parcel, the gift is more important than the external wrappings. So also the person is more important than the behavior. Every person is a gift from God. When a priest with bad behavior is cared and loved by the bishop, change occurs in him. This is the way God loves people. God gives sunshine to those who are good as well as those who are bad. He gives rain to the just and the unjust.

5) Give positive strokes to priests

Strokes are any act implying recognition of another. Positive stroking is recognition that stimulates and leads to positive feelings. It leaves the person feeling good, alive, alert, significant and full. Positive stroking helps people to feel more positive about themselves and others. Strokes are essential for life. We cannot do without strokes and stay healthy.

Positive stroking can be given in the form of verbal strokes expressing affectionate feelings, appreciative feeling, compliments, understanding, supporting etc. Positive stroking can be also given in the form of non-verbal strokes through physical touch, a kind look, a tone of voice, a gesture etc.

Sharing our positive feelings for each other is a wonderful way of building a relationship. It helps our priests be more positive about themselves. When priests feel good about themselves, they look for the good in others. If we are generous in giving positive strokes to priests, in return we will receive strokes in abundance. If we are stingy in giving positive strokes to priests, in return we will receive less from others.

6) Affirm your priests

Affirmation is the acceptance of the goodness of the other person. Affirmation is concerned primarily with Being and not Doing. Through affirmation we reflect the goodness of the other person. Through affirmation we tell the other person "you are worthy because of what you are".

God has affirmed us by creating us. And His affirmation of us is found throughout the Bible.

In the book of Genesis we notice that all the works of creation is judged "Good" by God. Only after the creation of the human being God pronounces the term "very Good".

In the book of Isaiah God says to His people: "You are precious to me...I love you and give you honor." (43:3)

In the Gospels too we notice this affirmation by God.

Look at the birds. They do not sow seeds, gather a harvest and put them in barons. Look at the wild flowers. They do not work or make clothes for themselves. Look at the grass. How God clothes the grass. Persons are worth much more than birds, flowers and grass. (Mt. 6:26-30)

Affirmation by God must be experienced today through significant persons. One of the significant persons for a priest is his bishop. Today our priests should experience the affirmation of God through our relationship. The act of creation by God needs to be continued and perfected by the creative power of affirmation by significant persons. Incarnation must continue today through us. As God affirmed people, we should affirm our priests.

V. Levels in relationship

A bishop may establish relationship with priests at different levels. It will depend on the person, problem, circumstances etc.

1) At a friendship level: Here the bishop likes certain qualities and behavior in a priest, and experiences happiness in meeting the priest.

2) At a personal relationship level: Here the bishop establishes personal relationship with the priest disregarding the qualities that the bishop may like or dislike in the priest.

3) At a loving concern level: Bishop really loves the priest and cares for him and his welfare.

VI. Healing and change through relationships

Significant positive changes in people will occur only in relationships and through relationships. Constructive personal development will take place in relationships. We cannot bring about change in people through fear, threat, punishment, rules and regulations, but only through love relationships. Relationship is important because it constitutes principle medium through which change would occur. Thus the quality of the relationship would determine the nature of the personal change.

This relationship has "Healing Power" because it is a relationship of love. Psychotherapists would say that all problems are problems of relationship. The only way to solve the problem is through relationships. It is only in relationship that change and transformation would occur. Those of us who are involved in the ministry of caring and healing should give importance to this relationship.

Some of the priests with problems today are lacking in love relationships. They have love deficiency. In their past life they must have missed love and care from their significant persons. Lack of affectionate relationships with the mother or mother substitutes in the early childhood and latter in adolescent period has negative effect on the behavior of people in their adult life. The root cause of some problems in the adult life goes back to early childhood relationships with significant persons. Since they failed to receive love and care through relationships, today they are handicapped in establishing relationships. The caring, a priest receives from his bishop, who is the most significant person now in his life, makes him feel that someone loves him, which brings about healing in him. Thus caring relationship brings about healing in people. The quality of bishop's relationship with his priest will determine the nature of personal change. And in relationship the bishop is the CURRATIVE AGENT. Relationships are important for the well-being of a person. This relationship brings about healing in people.

Psychologists have noticed that people who experience human relations show more improvement than those who experience less human relations. People who don't experience relationships are more prone to diseases, even to death, than those who experience human relations. Thus human relations are very important for the healing process. Healing that takes place as the result of relationship is only a dim reflection of the healing of God in Christ Jesus. God is present in every relationship. It is also to be noted that no human effort to heal is possible without the divine assistance. Where there is relationship there is love, and where there is love there is God.

VII. Relationship and Holiness

Spirituality or holiness does not refer to the inner life of an individual person. It refers to relationships. Spirituality should not be understood in terms of the individual alone, but individual's relationship with persons, namely divine person and human persons. Therefore the essence of spirituality is relationship. It is a relationship between man and God (Transpersonal relationship) between man and man (Interpersonal relationship) and between man and his own self (Intrapersonal relationship). So spirituality or holiness has to do with relationships. It is the fruit of relationship.

If the relationship is a genuine love relationship then there is holiness. If the relationship is a wrong love relationship, or no relationship then there is sin. Hence sin and holiness should be understood only in terms of relationship. Both in the Old Testament and in the New Testament, sin and holiness are placed in the context of relationship. In the Old Testament, the sin of mankind, the sin of Israel, the sin of Cain, the sin of King David are all sins of relationships. In the New Testament Jesus also considers sin as an alienation from God and people, rather than mere moral disorder. Alienation from God is caused by alienation from people. When we fail to relate ourselves with our brothers and sisters, we commit sin. In the story of the Prodigal Son, sin is understood - not having relationship with the father and with the brother. And holiness is understood having relationship with the father and the brother. Being with the father is Holiness. Away from the father is Sin. Being with the father is joy. Away from the father is sadness. When the younger son realizes the importance of this relationship, he said to himself "I will arise and go to my father."

Thus when there is no relationship, then there is no holiness. When relationship is absent, holiness is absent. When relationship is suppressed holiness is also suppressed.

VIII. Relational skills

Relational skills needed for caring for priests such as...

...are also called human relationship skills, interpersonal skills, caring skills and counseling skills. These skills are needed for bishops who would like to establish genuine relationship with their priests. To be a caring bishop, he has to be fully human well versed in relational skills. Proficiency in human relation skills or relational skills can be used as an index of over all spiritual and psychological adjustment. Improvement in human relations skills leads to improvement in interpersonal relationships.

When an unskilled priest in human relations lives together with another unskilled priest, the problem can become worse. On the other hand when a skilled priest in human relations lives with another unskilled priest, there is an improvement in interpersonal relations. When a distressed priest finds a person who is skilled in human relation, the priest is likely to show improvement, or he is likely to live a better life. On the other hand, if a distressed priest finds a person who is unskilled in human relations, then his problem might become worse.

1. Listening to our Priests

Spiritual direction, counseling and psychotherapy are simply skilled listening.

Listening is the basic principle of good human relationship. Listening is being silent in an active way. It is participating in another's life in a creative and powerful way. It is to experience the other person, to understand the other person, and to accept the other person. It means to listen to the other without judging, diagnosing, appraising and evaluating. It is to listen to what is going on in the inner world of the other.

Listening is a basic skill in human relationships. By listening we tell the other "you are very important for me." We Bishops are in a position to express our love and care for our priests through our listening. However most of our communications are one way communications. We bishops are accustomed to talking, preaching, questioning, probing, admonishing, advising, reasoning, explaining etc. Hence we find it hard to listen to our priests. As a spiritual director we give guidance and directions to others. As a preacher we speak to others and they listen to us. As an administrator we give orders and advice to people. As a leader of a community we preside over functions and address the people. Thus the major role of our ministry is to communicate to people rather than to listen to people. Hence listening becomes difficult for us.

A non-listening attitude on the part of the bishop reveals a lack of interest in caring for the priest. Listening is a potent reinforcer in Bishop-priest interaction and plays an important role in establishing relationship. Speaking attitude greatly hinders good human relationship.

In relationships:

• When I speak, I become the center.
• When I listen, the other person becomes the center.
• When I speak, I am selfish.
• When I listen, I empty myself.
• When I speak, I am important.
• When I listen, the other person is important.

Reasons for constant speaking:

• Constant speaking is usually a form of shyness. It is a mechanism we use to cover up our
  

  shyness.

• Constant speaking is a form of insecurity.
• Constant speaking (a wall of words) keeps us insulated from others.
• Constant speaking obstructs close contacts with people. If we can speak enough we can
  

  prevent people from getting close to us.

• Constant speaking is a form of cowardice.
• Constant speaking is an obstacle for self-awareness. When we are silent, some of our buried
  

  feelings may come to the conscious mind.

• Constant speaking can be a sign of frustrated oral stage.
• Constant speaking can be a sign of asking for attention from people.

Listening Vs Hearing:

1. Hearing has to do with information.

2. Hearing has to do with what the other person is saying.

3. Hearing is for my sake.

4. Hearing is determined by what goes on inside of me.

5. In hearing I make use of my ear mostly.

6. In hearing there is no personal involvement.

7. Hearing does not make communication.

Effects of Listening:

1. Listening is communication. No listening means no communication, and no communication

2. Listening is loving. Listening is the first step to love our priests.

3. Listening is therapeutic. When a priest's talk is heard, a form of therapy occurs. The priest who

4. Through our listening we encourage our priests to share more about their lives.

5. By our listening we touch the inner life of our priests.

6. When a priest realizes that he has been listened to by his bishop, the most significant person in

7. Through listening the bishop establishes a relationship of warmth with his priests. Showing

8. When the priest is listened to by the bishop, the priest is also prepared to listen to the bishop.

9. When a bishop listens to his priest without passing any judgment and evaluation on the behavior

To be an effective listener, bishops should have the following attitudes:

• We should take time to listen to our priests.
• We should accept our priests as they are.
• We should trust our priests.
• We should see our priests, as someone different from us.

2. Accepting Priests as they are

One of the deepest needs of a human person is the need to be accepted by certain significant persons in his life. All of us want to be accepted for what we are.

When I am not accepted, then there is a lasting and fatal effect on me.

When I am not accepted, something in me is broken.

When I am not accepted, I become "Nobody" and I cannot come to fulfillment.

It should be noted that:

• Acceptance does not mean approval or disapproval of feelings, behavior and sayings of the other
  

  person.

• Acceptance is not an attitude of neutrality.
• Acceptance is not showing sympathy for the persons.
• Acceptance is not tolerating the behavior of the other person.
• Acceptance is not accepting the undesirable behavior of the other person.
• Acceptance is not changing others in my own image and likeness.

Acceptance means love:

Acceptance is a very important quality in human relationship because it is very closely related to the human quality of love. Love can be defined as unqualified acceptance. To accept another person is truly an act of love. To feel accepted is to feel loved. To feel loved is healing.

Acceptance means being non-judgmental:

The non-judgmental quality of relationship should not be confused with false reassurance or false support of ideas, feelings and behavior of the other. Non-judgmental attitude means that the bishop does not judge the degree of subjective guilt of the priest, a judgment that can be left to God alone.

"Do not judge others, and God will not judge you. Do not condemn others, and God will not condemn you." [Lk 6:11]

"Why do you pass judgment on another..." [Rom 14:10]

Acceptance means unconditional positive regard:

Unconditional positive regard means that we meet the persons as they are without categorizing. Here the bishop understands his priests in terms of their own ideas, feelings and values rather than the terms of the bishop's own ideas, feelings and values. It is an attitude by which the bishop does not ask his priest to be like him, rather the priest is allowed to be himself. This attitude of the bishop towards the priest implies neither approval nor disapproval of what the priest says, does or feels, but simply a total acceptance of the other. In unconditional acceptance there is no If, But and Until. The person is accepted without any conditions.

The concept of 'accepting people as they are' comes from God himself. By the virtue of creation all are acceptable to God. God accepts me as I am without any conditions, without any qualifications. God accepts me with my sins, with my weaknesses. He accepts me as I am. The heavenly Father has shown his unqualified acceptance of every human person in Jesus Christ. The parable of the lost son, lost sheep, the story of the woman caught in adultery, the mercy of Jesus shown towards St. Peter when he betrayed him etc. tell us how God and Jesus accept people for what they are.

In the story of the adulterous woman Jesus says that we cannot challenge a person to spiritual growth, without first accepting the person as he is, or as she is.

In this story Jesus brings about the change in Mary through his acceptance, and not through fear, threat, punishment, laws etc. Because of Jesus' acceptance Mary was born anew. She started a new life with the experience of acceptance.

There are several incidents in the ministry of Jesus where Jesus accepted people for what they are:

• Jesus accepted Matthew the Tax Collector.
• Jesus accepted Mary the Prostitute.
• Jesus accepted the Samaritan woman.
• Jesus accepted the woman caught in adultery.
• Jesus accepted the two thieves who were crucified with him on the cross.
• Jesus accepted those who put him to death.

As we are accepted by God for what we are, we are also expected to accept others for what they are. We proclaim this reality of unqualified acceptance when we accept our troubled and disturbed priests. When we practice this unqualified acceptance in our relationships with our priests, we are not only preaching but also practicing the Good News of Jesus Christ.

This rational skill of acceptance is an important factor in fostering human relationship. This relational skill can bring about change in our priests. Through our acceptance we can foster change and growth in our troubled priests. When a troubled priest experiences a feeling of total acceptance i.e. being loved by the bishop, it promotes a spiritual and psychological change.

As bishops we cannot challenge our priests to behavioral change without accepting them for what they are. Challenging priests without acceptance leads to self-hate. Challenging them with acceptance leads to conversion.

Some of the basic thoughts, feelings and attitudes we bishops should develop about our priests in order to promote acceptance:

3. Understanding Our Priests

There are three alternative ways of understanding a person in our relationships.

A. Understanding people through the eyes of a third person

In this understanding, we come to know about a person through the eyes of a third person. What I come to know from a third person the information I get may be true or may not be true. When we understand people through the eyes of a third person there is every possibility that we could make wrong judgment about others. So we cannot totally depend on the evidence of a third person in understanding people. If we are going to judge a priest from what we heard from other priests, it may not be the right way of understanding.

B. Understanding people through my own eyes

This is the common way by which people understand one another. Here I understand a person using all my faculties, and other resources that are available within me such as my thinking, feeling, perceptions, skills etc. Here I understand a person in terms of my own self, my life space, my internal frame of reference. Here I judge the other from my own psychological field. In relationship if a bishop were to judge a particular priest according to his perception, it may be a wrong judgment. Here the bishop's understanding will be influenced by his liking or disliking of the priest.

C. Understanding people with the people

This is the best way of understanding people and it is the most difficult way of understanding people. In this understanding we throw away our internal frame of reference and enter into the internal frame of the other person and understand him from his point of view. Here we experience the other person's world as seen by the other person. Here the question is not to agree or disagree with the person, but to understand what it is like to be him. In this understanding the bishop does not see his priests through his own eyes, but sees them as they are. This understanding is also called "Empathic Understanding."

According to Carl Rogers empathic understanding means to sense the other's world as if it were your own, but without losing the as if quality.

This definition implies two important aspects:

• Ability to perceive the private world or the psychological world or the experiential of the other
  

  person,

• Ability to communicate this understanding to the other person.

In his relationship with his priests the bishop must have the ability to enter into the experiential field of his priests, as if it were his own, but at the same time without losing his own identity. This is what is called the As If quality of the relationship. Here the bishop sees the world of his priest as if the bishop was the priest. The Bishop is not the priest. The bishop can really experience the quality and depth of the anger of his priest, without himself getting angry. In this empathic understanding the bishop does not emotionally get involved with his priest in such a way that he loses his own separateness. It is only an intellectual understanding of the priest. It is an intellectual understanding of what is going on in the priest. If he gets emotionally involved with his priest, that would be considered sympathy and not empathy. Sympathy is a form of emotional identification with the priest. It is showing pity and compassion. Empathic understanding is essential for genuine human relationship.

Incarnation speaks of empathic process. St. Paul speaks of Christ's ability to empathize with humanity: "Though he was in the form of God, he did not deem equality with God something to be grasped at. Rather he emptied himself and took the form of a slave being in the likeness of man" (Phil 2:6-7)

St. John also verbalizes the reality of this empathic process in the prologue: "The word became flesh and pitched his tent among us" (John 1:14)

Like Jesus the bishop must enter into the experiential and the psychological field of the priest in order to have a total understanding of the priest. This sort of understanding establishes a good rapport with the priest. And it will help the priest to have a self-awareness of his own personality and thus help him to change his behavior.

Our Responses in understanding Priests

Carl Rogers conducted an important study on how people communicate with one another. He discovered that there are five ways by which messages are sent between persons in the communication processes. They are:

In our relationship with priests our responses may fall under one of the above five categories.

1. Evaluative Response

Here the bishop makes a judgment about the priest and his problem. This response breaks down communication. If there is a failure in communication then there is a failure in relationship. It is to be noted that whenever we make a judgment about a priest, we do this with the help of our own psychological space and experiential field. Our perception of the priest at a given time, at a given place and under certain circumstances may go wrong. The reality is one thing and the perception of reality is another thing. For an individual person, the reality is not the way things exist, but the way things are perceived. The reality of the priest is one thing, and the perception of the priest is another. This is the same as in our perception of God. The reality of God is one thing, the perception of God is another thing. Thus we may have a distorted perception of God. God has created man in His own image, but man creates God in his own image. Perception of reality influences the behavior. So behavior is determined not by the reality, but by the perception of reality. So the behavior of the priest would be best understood from the priest's internal frame of reference.

2. Interpretative Response

The purpose of this response is to tell the priest the impact of his behavior on himself. This response can be a powerful stimulus for growth. However an interpretation should not be imposed on the other rather it should be offered as a consideration.

3. Supportive Response

One of the important aspects of a Bishop - Priest relationship is to provide psychological support for the priest. Supportive relationship reduces the intensity of the problem. This relationship also gives some assurance to the priest when he goes through some serious problems.

4. Probing Response

Whenever the bishop feels that he needs more information concerning certain issues and problems, he makes use of these probing responses. He tries to get more information in order to help the priest to solve his own problem.

5. Understanding Response

In relationship understanding response is very helpful to see the priest's problem form the internal frame of reference of the priest. Hence we should make our responses in such a way that the priests experience the care of the bishop. These responses are means whereby the bishop communicates his unconditional positive regard towards the priest.

Use understanding responses in relationship

About 80% of all messages sent between individuals would come under the above mentioned five responses. The other 20% of the statements are incidental and are of no importance. So in our relationship with our priests our responses may mostly fall under one of the five categories. The best way of relating to our priests involves using understanding responses. In this response the bishop tries to perceive the priest and his experiential world as seen by the priest. It is an attempt to think with the priest rather than to think for the priest and to think about the priest. In relationship we bishops try to understand the priest from the priests' internal frame of reference concentrating on his subjective reality. The understanding responses would communicate to the priest that the bishop is interested in him.

4. Confrontation

In caring for priests, when this relational skill is used appropriately, it can become a powerful force for deep personal growth and effectiveness. Confrontation is an attempt on the part of the bishop to help his priest to examine the consequences of his behavior so that he may correct himself.

In confrontation the bishop shares with the priest some information concerning his behavior and its destructive consequences on him. This information is given so that he may have a better awareness of the problem and thus change his behavior. It is almost providing a constructive feedback for self-awareness. It is an invitation to examine his own behavior and life. The power of confrontation comes from the fact that the priest is forcefully brought in touch with his real self.

Confrontation is a way of getting involved with the priest. The goal of confrontation is not to express our dislike of the priest, but to express our love and care for him. The Bishop should not make use of confrontation to vent his frustration and anger towards the priest. So when we dislike a priest we should not make use of confrontation as a means of punishment, revenge or domination. And when we like a priest, we should not refrain from confrontation. For some of us it is easy to confront a priest whom we don't like, and we find it hard to confront a priest whom we like. Confrontation is a way of expressing our concern for the priest. Hence do not confront a priest if you do not intent to have a relationship with him.

The risk in confrontation is whether the confrontation might disturb the relationship between the bishop and the priest. A bishop may feel that he does not want to hurt the feelings of his priest by confronting him. If the bishop is committed to the personal growth of his priest, he should be prepared to go through this unpleasant process in order to promote health in his priest.

The manner of confronting

5. Genuineness (Realness, Congruency)

Genuineness means the ability to accept both the strengths and the weaknesses, pleasant and unpleasant qualities, both positive and negative feelings, both good and bad points. It means to be what we are. It means not having a mask, a role, a fa?ade but being real. It means that there is no contradiction between what we are inside and what we are outside. It means to have a consistency between what we say, what we do, and what we are. People who are real or genuine, experience congruency between their experience, awareness and sharing.

This skill of genuineness is very important in our relationship with priests. If we bishops are genuine in our relationship, and if we do not feel the need to put up a front then our priest will enter more freely and deeply in their relationship with us. If we play a role then the priests may also play a role in their relationship with us. Only in the context of being genuine can we establish a good relationship. It is only through genuineness that we can convey our warmth and care to our priests. We should not be an "artificial person" in our relationship with our priests. Artificial persons try to appear to be someone whom they are not. The reason why we become unreal in relationship is because we are not comfortable with ourselves. When we are unable to accept certain weaknesses in ourselves as bishops then we become unreal and incongruent in relationship and thus we feel the need to put on a mask or enact a role.

When I am real, I help my priests to be real.

When I am unreal, I help my priests to be unreal.

When two real persons meet a genuine relationship is established.

We love people who are real because they speak from deep within themselves not hiding behind a facade.

We all love children:

It is not for what children can do.

It is not for what children know.

It is not for what children have accomplished.

It is for what children really are.

We love children because they are real. Children are real, open, genuine and sincere. They are spontaneous, free and transparent having no mask, pretension, phoniness and hypocrisy. Jesus talks about children five times in the Gospels, and wants us to be like children, to have the qualities of children, to be simple and humble like children.

Behavior that constitute Genuineness:

1) Role-free relationship.

2) Spontaneous relationship.

We should be spontaneous but not impulsive. We do not weigh what we say. We do not put a number of filters between our inner life and what we express to others.

3) Non-defensive relationship.

When a priest expresses a negative attitude towards us, we try our best to understand what he is thinking and feeling, rather than justifying ourselves.

As a bishop I can be real about myself, because I know what is going on within me. But I cannot be real about my priests, because I don't know what is going on within him. Some of us are sure about what is going on in priests, and not sure about what is going on within ourselves.

When the priests come to know that we are real in our relationship with them, then they will enter deeply in the relationship. When we play a role, then they will also play a role in relationship.

6. Respect

Respect means prizing the priest because he is a human person, he is a child of God, and he is a brother to me.

Respect means that we value the individuality and unique dignity of our priests.

Respect means that we recognize the worth of our priests. We consider priests not as things, numbers and objects but as persons.

Jesus always had respect for people. He puts persons before things and laws. He was person oriented rather than law oriented or material oriented. He viewed matters lightly but viewed persons highly. Persons are not things to be used but are humans to be respected and loved. His care for the sick, the sinners, the tax-collector, the lost son, etc., show how he respected persons.

Our respect for our priests should be expressed both in attitude (passive value) and in action (active value). When attitude is translated into behavior then attitude becomes a value in our life.

Behavior that constitute Respect:

The following are some of the behavior of the bishop to show how the attitude of respect can be translated into action.

• Active listening
• Showing emphatic understanding
• Suspending critical judgment
• Refusing to reinforce destructive behavior
• Being available
• Expressing warmth
• Trusting persons
• Regard for the uniqueness and individuality of the persons
• Showing unconditional positive regard
• Not forcing our directions to be followed

IX. Human Relation Skills and formation in the Seminary

A study on priests indicates that two third of priests don't have sufficient amount of human-relations skills. Thus there is a lack of development of human-relations skills in the seminary formation. The formation of priests in the seminaries has been highly cognitive in nature, although seminarians are being trained for a ministry that demands a great variety of human-relations skills. Even (in) those seminaries that offer programs on human-relations skills, the programs are not systematic ones. As a result, we have been getting priests who are good in administrating sacraments, preaching the good news, instructing people in various subjects, etc., but not good in relational skills. Overemphasis on intellectual formation or cognitive formation and less emphasis on human person and human-relations skills may not be helpful for the holistic formation of future priests.

As the result of overemphasis on the intellectual formation, our priests have theological relationships, spiritual relationships, cerebral relationships, intellectual relationships and not human relationships with people. Some of our priests are head-level, intellectual, cerebral priests, and not priests with human qualities. Priesthood can also become a safe place for some priests because of their problems in human relations.

In the past we have not given much importance with regard to the cultivation of human qualities and relational skills in our formation programs. Our priestly formation did not encourage close human relations. Priests were trained to live a life apart, independent, solitary, away from other worldly alternatives. Thus some of our priests avoided close relationships. Relationships were considered as a private matter rather than part of our spiritual life. Today we realize the development with regard to the cultivation of human qualities and relational skills in our formation programs. Today we need a formation that is deeply relational. We need a spirituality that would bring the relational dimensions. Integrating human qualities and rational skills in our priestly life will make our priests fully human persons.

Conclusion

We bishops who are involved in caring for our priests must do better than our priests. In our desire to help others we cannot leave ourselves out of the picture. Before we can help our priests, we should become skilled persons in human relations. We should model the behavior that we hope to bring about in our priests. Those of us who are involved in caring for priests, and those of us who want to be effective in our relationship with our priests, should become relational persons. We bishops, not only should develop these relational skills in caring for priests, but our priests should perceive in us having these relational skills. Therefore we should communicate these relational qualities to our relationship with priests.

Today our priests are looking for bishops who are human persons with human qualities and relational skills. Today our priests want their bishops to be a person who can establish caring relationship with them. Satisfaction and fulfillment in the life and ministry of priests will depend on our relationships with our priests.

END

(Accompanying photos available at here)